Turning Twenty

Who knew it would be such a drag?

You spend your whole life excited for what comes after school: freedom, money, relationships, travel, and whatever else we thought growing up would be. 

Reference my last blog for more info.

Then you reach some amazing milestones. You probably make some amazing moves and get praised like hell for the university you got into, or the job you landed, and you’re faced with lots of hype and expectations for what’s to come.

You then wake up, twenty years old, bored as hell, tired beyond belief, and confused as to what you’re doing.

Welcome to your twenties. And the stuff no one wanted to tell us. 

Actually, I think our parents tried to tell us, but of course we were eight years old and knew more than them.

Like Andrew Younker says in the song Turning Twenty “turning twenty is all fun and games til you and and then die”.

I’m sure there’s a small number of people in this world who don’t know this feeling. Trust fund folks, stock people, or whatever else your parents inherited and gave to you.

Please write me back and let me know if you also experience these “fuck my twenties” feelings.

I imagine I would be super excited to have money for travel, partying, and going to the gym 3 hours a day to get my dream arms, my Michelle Obama’s, if you will. But I have no idea, that might actually be boring, so please share.

My hypothesis, even money doesn’t mask the feeling of listlessness in our twenties.

My friends and I are all at this point in our lives where we have no idea what we’re doing. We may have convinced ourselves a long time ago that we found our passions, but I know at least 95% of my friends, even the ones who were super sure of themselves before, are wondering what the fuck they’re doing.

I am one of those people.

When I started college I wasn’t afraid of the future.

“I’m going to be a musician.”

It was a fact. I was so sure.

I have no idea how, or why, but that reality doesn’t suit me anymore.

It stopped mattering to me one day.

It’s like being in your twenties is a sick rebirthing process.

This impossible feeling of “I am who I’ve always been, but I see and feel the world in an entirely new way. I’m different inside.”

I have to add a disclaimer here, one that is probably so relatable at this point that it isn’t even a disclaimer, I also had a strange shift in mental health in my early twenties.

Keeping in mind that it’s 2021 as I write this. Who hasn’t had a mental health crisis?

Not to mention that when I turned 23 the world was experiencing a global pandemic. I graduated college virtually, and got my first job in the adult world virtually. 

Other things to note. The economy is ass, and job turnaround is intense right now. 

Still, I’m inclined to believe this experience sucks regardless of the status of the world’s current apocalypse.

I probably still would’ve hated the transition from school to work, and I’d still be confused in this new social world. This song came out in 2018, and although that’s not long ago, I feel it’s evidence that turning twenty sucks even when we’re not all scared of miss rona.

Back to the mental health thing. When I was in a “rough” state mentally I still felt pretty good in a lot of ways. My mental health actually propelled me with purpose, energy, and a drive to do do do. I didn’t feel tired, void, or lonely. I made sure to always have something “meaningful” in the works.

Then I overdid it. 

I was taking on work, working out, hobbies, keeping up with my website, podcast, youtube, etc., I was in a state so extreme I didn’t even realize I was behaving strangely until the very end.

I may or may not ever talk about this experience on my blog again, but I figure I should share since this event completely changed how I live my life and see the world. Especially in my twenties.

It’s the event that made me experience “normality” for the first time.

I was given a treatment that would help support me to become more “stable”.

It’s a drag.

Is “stable” another word for “boring as hell.”

Turning twenty was hard, but it was a different kind of hard when it first started. It was me working my ass off to always do do do. I was stressed, but I also felt sure that I was living meaningfully, so I didn’t necessarily feel lost. I thought I was on my way to something great. I was on a journey with a means to an end.

I was going to be an epic creator. I had my career decided.

Then I didn’t. 

When I came down from my emotional high I was faced with an intense feeling of “now what?”

It’s no longer do do do.

It’s, “What do I do?”

This blog went from a weekly upload to “I upload when I get the chance” for that very reason.

Am I a writer? A videographer? A podcaster? A musician?

I wish I had a lot of time to explore these options, but I don’t. 

I work, I clean, I workout, I care for pets, I love my family and friends, I support causes I believe in, I write blog posts about how confused I am…

…And after all of that, I have just enough time in me to squeeze in mild experimenting a few times a week.

I want to know, does everyone feel this way? Is everyone here “Turning Twenty” like Andrew and I?

It’s overwhelming, boring, confusing, and…

It isn’t funny turning twenty it’s just kinda lonesome.

Inspired by Turning Twenty by Andrew Younker

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