Pregnancy is one of those things you don’t quite understand until you’re in the midst of it.

I’ve wanted a family for years now. I’ve read books, watched videos, listened to podcasts etc., on the topic of pregnancy. Somehow, after all that research, I still wasn’t even close to prepared for the reality I was stepping into.

I knew pregnancy came with side effects: physical, emotional, psychological, personal, social and so on. I figured a few things would change about my life but, I was so excited and naive, I didn’t really care about any of that. 

I did not grasp the reality that my entire life would feel completely different for nine (long) months.

Living through these changes was much harder than I could have ever imagined.

I’m not trying to make pregnancy sound super awful and not worth it. It is entirely worth it to me. I can’t wait to have my baby soon. 

That being said, I might have had an easier time with everything if I had realized I’d go from working full time, working out 5-6 days a week, managing multiple hobbies, and overall being a very healthy eater/ person to… basically struggling to even do a fourth of the things I used to do. For at least the first few months, a lot about your physical health changes fast. 

Now I nap all day, do chores for exercise, watch way too much TV, and spend months making one blog post. (I wanted to release this sooner, but I’m one week from my third trimester writing this.)

Being in my second trimester now, I’m truly the happiest I’ve ever felt. While the first trimester was mostly nausea, sadness, anger, and frustration; I’ve recently come to peace with the changes that have taken place in my life. I am finally comfortable with my shift in identity and have even grown a bit “used” to some of the symptoms I’m still living with. I’ve spent a lot of time learning to cope with my new reality, and through that time I think I’ve grown a level of resilience and adaptability to change that I didn’t have before all of this. I feel closer to my husband, closer to my mother, and I feel more at peace with myself. For once in my life, I don’t feel my entire value comes from the things I do and the goals I achieve. I just want to be a person my kids can appreciate, love, and learn from. Sometimes when I’m having a hard day, I sit and feel my baby’s kicks. I remind myself that I am doing all of this for him, myself, and my family. The day I finally meet him, I won’t care how hard these last few months have been.

Of course, everyone’s bodies, situations, and lives are different. No two pregnancies will be exactly the same. But I do think there is value in sharing our experiences. I’ve joined a lot of pregnancy groups online, and it always feels good to see how I relate to some people and I appreciate the honesty of people who are having a different experience from me. It makes this experience feel less lonely, so I want to contribute my experience as well.

Before I jump into the reality of what my first trimester was like, I do want to say I am happy with my pregnancy overall. I’m excited to finally feel my baby moving, knowing that so far everything has gone well with his health at appointments, and I’m grateful to have a good support system. Despite everything I’ve been through, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Like how thankful I am to keep most of my meals down these days.

Morning sickness is a lie

I wish I only felt sick in the morning hours. That would have been much less horrifying. Warning, this is going to be a bit gross. Sometimes pregnancy can be a bit gross.

At around week 6 or 7 I went from feeling super tired all the time to feeling insanely nauseous all the time. Weeks 6 to about 16 were the most life altering weeks of my pregnancy.

Wake up in the morning, nauseous. Open the fridge, throw up. Drink too much, throw up. Don’t drink enough, throw up. Eat, throw up. Don’t eat, throw up. Watch TV, throw up. Do nothing but sit in bed, throw up.

For weeks, I was so weak I could hardly do anything. I had to use all of my strength to get myself up and feed myself. I was barely keeping up with chores, my daily achievement was a shower, and I ate saltines, bread, mashed potatoes, rice, and chicken nuggets all the time. 

At this time, I still had a full time job. I’ll spare the harsh details, but people are not very empathetic to pregnant women. The world cares more about making profit than supporting women through this time. I had to take two weeks off of work to care for myself, and received no support when I got back, still very sick.

Life was tough. And a lot of the time, it felt lonely.

Thankfully, I had my mom, best friend, and boyfriend who were trying their best to support me. Even though most of my support was long distance, it was still the thing that kept me going. Without them, I don’t know how I would’ve made it through that time. My best friend did my dishes and cooked for me when I was too weak to do those things myself. My mom drove down on weekends to do chores for me and take care of me. And my boyfriend called me whenever he could and made trips when time allowed. I appreciated every text sent from friends, siblings, and my mother in law checking in on me. The whole “it takes a village” thing finally set in for me. And I couldn’t be more grateful for the people who showed up for me during this time.

In the worst of it, I dropped five pounds in a week and looked like a sickly ghost. It amazed me that my baby was doing so well despite how awful I felt and how little I could keep down. I was an anxious mess thinking about how my baby was holding up inside of me.

Emotional Changes

Warning, this part is about fear of loss. It’s hard to talk about or even think about, but after seeing so many people online with similar fears, I want to be honest about how this felt.

This was the hardest part, emotionally at least, about the first trimester. Before I could feel kicks, before my belly grew, before I saw multiple ultrasounds, I had so much anxiety around my baby’s health. Every time I went to the bathroom, I feared the worst. I was so scared of seeing blood, feeling bad cramps, or any sign my baby might be unwell. Every time I threw up, I worried about my baby. Every pound I lost, I worried about his growth. Waiting for that first ultrasound was painful. I worried about what they would find. And I will always be beyond grateful that despite how I was doing, my baby was fine. It was the one thing that kept me fighting through the pain, the mistreatment at work, and the reality of my identity crumbling beneath me.

My heart goes out to women who experience loss. The love we hold for our babies inside of us is so hard to explain. We haven’t even met our baby yet, and both me and my husband constantly talk about how much we want to improve for our babies sake. How much we want to fight for him to have a better future. How he is the most important thing to us both, despite us only knowing him through his little kicks. 

Each ultrasound that reassures us is heart warming, exciting, and it fills us with love. I can’t stress enough what a blessing it is to feel every kick.

I’m sure it’s only natural to feel some fear around pregnancy because of the uncertainty. The best we can do is show up for ourselves and the people we care about. I try to remind myself, on the hard days and through the tough moments, that as long as my baby is okay; I will be okay. This process may feel long and scary, but I have already learned so much from it. 

I’ve been reading a book (very slowly) about the connection we have to “nurturing our unborn baby”. I’ve learned that the things I feel, he feels. How I respond emotionally will affect his emotions someday. Everything he hears, it’s subconsciously being stored away in his little brain. For that reason, I try my best to stay calm. To relax, and be content. To be comfortable with my changing body, my changing abilities, and my changing interests. On the days that I don’t feel good, I remind myself that as long as the baby is alright, I’m alright.

I wonder if the stuff we go through during pregnancy is our body’s way of forcing us to grow, become more resilient, and shift our perspective before we’re responsible for a whole human. 

I will have a lot of empathy for my toddler someday now that I know the painful reality of food aversions. I understand the struggles of mood swings, the difficulty of experiencing things for the first time, and how a changing body and mind need time to adjust.

There’s a lot of resources out there that will explain the technical stuff behind pregnancy, but as a pregnant person right now, I feel like reflecting on my experience is something that benefits me. There’s a lot more to this experience than just technical realities. There’s so many complex emotions, changes, and new experiences. 

I’m glad I didn’t write this in my first trimester, or else this would be a much more pessimistic post. 

Like I said, in my second trimester, I am the happiest I’ve ever felt in life. Knowing that the baby is doing well, building better relationships with my family, and getting used to a new routine is so fun. I am far more grateful for my new life than fearful of it.

This is a life changing experience, and I have a new respect for every woman who’s gone through this or is going through this now. 

Especially my mom. I would not be as happy as I am right now if it weren’t for her. I can only hope to someday have my kids see me the way I see her.

Until next time,

Stay Psyched