I was hesitant to make this post.

Who wants to publicly announce a breakup and share how to cope with it while they’re still learning to cope themselves?

I was going to stay clear of this topic for a while, or even forever, until I listened to a podcast today.

The podcast encouraged me to let myself feel hurt. It told me not to lie to myself and pretend I’m okay. I feel sad a lot more than usual right now, because breakups are sad, and every time I try to write something this topic keeps coming back to me.

Like most people, I say I’m doing ‘good’ or ‘fine’ when asked but, the truth is, I’m hurting. And you might be too if you’re reading this article.

It’s okay.

Let’s admit that to each other. This hurts, and that’s okay. That’s normal. It would almost be an insult to you and your ex’s relationship if it didn’t.

Have you ever read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck?” In that book, Mark Manson encourages us to allow ourselves to feel hurt. He even said in a recent interview on “The Iced Coffee Hour” podcast, that facing negative emotion is like working out. The more you face your negative feelings, the better equipped we are to handle them. Just like your muscles adapt to working out.

We have to learn how to face and deal with our hurt feelings.

I was afraid of being sad when my relationship ended, but that feeling was almost worse than just accepting the pain and letting myself hurt for a while.

What do I mean by that?

I’ll give you an example. 

When I start to miss my past relationship, or get hit with that “damn, I’m single for the first time in years, what do I do now with all this free time?” feeling, instead of panicking about whether i’ll ever stop feeling hurt over this or how much time it’ll take until being single feels normal again, I just sit in that feeling for a moment. I take in that pain. I take a deep breathe and stop for a moment to gather myself, and then I continue what I’m doing

The real game changer that is helping me is: I talk positively to myself, internally, and I say something along the lines of “It’s alright, you can miss her, you can miss the fun times, this is sad and hard, but it’s okay and you need to go back to doing __ because it’s good for you and life moves on. You’re going to have good times again. This will pass. You’ll find new routines and new things to enjoy in life. It’s okay to be sad about the past, but don’t forget you live in the present and prepare for the future you have coming.”

The difference between that and: “Not again. Ugh. I missed my first ex for years. I kept reaching out and making my life harder. What if I can’t handle this? What if I’m too sad to have fun? Can I ever have that kind of fun again? I miss going out and doing nothing with someone I loved the company of. What will I do without that?” is huge. 

You have to learn to control your thoughts, you need to learn to control your feelings. 

By controlling your thoughts, you’ll learn to control your feelings.

Don’t lie. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. Including yours.

Don’t lie to yourself.

If you’re like me, and you’re newly single after a few years, you need to let yourself feel hurt. This is a lot of change, and it’s difficult right now, but you’ll get used to it. Make sure the thoughts you have when you’re hurt are truthful, acknowledge your pain, and allow yourself to think optimistically about your ability to handle that pain and your reaction to it.

Just remember:

Let yourself hurt.

Think of the thoughts that allow you to be honest and optimistic.

What else can you do?

Honestly, reach out to friends. Get a support system going. That’ll be huge during those harder days and moments.

Workout. That’ll not only make you feel good, but it can even be a nice way to go out into nature more, be surrounded by people, and you’ll gain new skills. Working out, in whatever way works for you, is great for people dealing with negative emotions. It’s great for everyone honestly.

Do something you really enjoy, especially if you’re a creative person. Writing this short article felt amazing. I miss this. I plan to do it way more. It took a lot for me to convince myself I could sit down and write again, but I’m glad I did. Once you hop into something you enjoy it serves as a reminder that even through sad times, you can experience a lot of joy. And, overtime, you’ll feel more joy than sadness. Until eventually the pain you’re feeling is a thing of the past, and you’re living a different version of your life that you enjoy just as much.

Lastly, give yourself time.

Time heals all the scars of a heart break. It might seem cheesy, but if you’ve ever been through a breakup before, or any hard time, just remind yourself that you got through it once and you can definitely do it again.

Sometimes you just need a little time. But the things I’ve written about here; controlling your thoughts, feeling your negative emotions and reacting to them appropriately, being with friends and family, working out, and doing things you enjoy are a great way of dealing with the feelings right now.

I’ve been struggling. I’ve been sad at times. But I’ve also had fun in the gym. I’ve had a lot of fun talking to friends and talking to people I love. I’ve been proud of myself for being able to control my thoughts and allowing myself to be sad without letting those feelings consume and negatively impact me. You might feel the progress slowly, but it’s there. And that’s what counts.

Don’t get me wrong. The first few days were rough, and I definitely let my feelings get to me, but I hope this article can help you out just as this advice has helped me out.

Now I’m getting psyched about new creative projects.

You can have good moments during a difficult situation.

Just remind yourself, it’s okay to hurt. And be very careful how you frame your thinking.

Maybe articles help you, maybe podcasts, or maybe you’re like me and have found solace in the principles of your religion. Either way, you got this.

I hope this can help you like it’s helping me. I’m excited to get back on here and start making content again.

A good life starts with a good mind, so let’s get our minds in order.

Until next time,

Stay Psyched

Vicky